Maybe you have seen it, maybe you have heard about The Slap at the Oscars.
“Everyone” seems to be talking about it.
In fact it has overshadowed many amazing aspects and “wins” of the night, sadly.
So, what I want to focus on here is what we can learn from it.
While I don’t condone violence of any kind, here are a few things to keep in mind.
- We don’t know everything
- Context is important
- Stress and pressure are real
- We need support
- Identity matters
1. We don’t know everything
This may seem like a no-brainer, but it’s by far the most important on this list I believe. We often act like we know. Like it’s obvious. Like we have the inside scoop on someone else’s live, actions, reactions, inaction etc. And then we judge based on that assumption. There is much we don’t know. And remembering that allows for a pause and some grace. And the opportunity to ask a question or ask a better question. When we acknowledge that there is much we don’t know – about a person or a situation – we can actually begin to lean in. Making room for us to learn more about the person or the context (see #2). And this can lead to greater awareness and understanding, and an opportunity to build belonging and connection.
2. Context is important
a. Jada Pinkett Smith’s reaction
If Jada had just shaved her head as a fashion statement, this joke may have landed differently. But she has alopecia – an autoimmune condition that causes hair loss. She has spoken openly about it over the years, but that doesn’t mean she is ok with it being part of a joke. But we don’t know. We haven’t heard from her.
b. Will Smith’s reaction
It seems like Will Smith initially laughed at the joke, but perhaps when he realized that Jada wasn’t laughing things changed. When we care about someone, the impact on them impacts us. And we may feel the need to jump to that person’s defense. How we do that, of course, is critical.
c. The bigger picture – and trauma
When people react strongly to something, it can be about something else. This could be because of something that happened earlier in the day, the kind of day someone is having, other stresses, or something from the past. Past trauma also impacts our response to things. In his book My Grandmothers’ Hands, Resmaa Menakem mentions this: “Trauma is embedded in their bodies, not their cognitive brains. That trauma then becomes the unconscious lens through which they view all of their current experiences…Whenever the body senses the opportunity – and the challenge – to mend, it responds by fighting, fleeing or freezing.”
So… There is the incident, and there is the bigger picture. What we saw was a reaction. But what fuels that reaction can be in the moment, about something that happened earlier, about the night, about life, about a relationship, or about the past. Consciously and unconsciously.
3. Stress and pressure are real
Denzel Washington (who talked with Will Smith) shared that it was a big night for Will (being nominated for Best Actor), and that brought with it some stress. Stress produces cortisol which is responsible for the fight, flight or freeze response. We shouldn’t underestimate the impact of pressure or stress on how someone copes or responds. Even if it’s a response that
4. We need support
Will was taken aside by Denzel Washington and Tyler Perry. Support is important all the time. Human beings are hardwired for community. We are social creatures. But support is crucial when we are feeling stress or are experiencing strong emotions like fear, pain, hurt….
5. Identity Matters
Not all of us have the ability, desire, safety, privilege, guts to be so expressive with our emotions (again, I’m not condoning the slap). For some, the consequences of being expressive may outweigh the benefits. For some, this is because of who we are, how we are perceived, and/or how our actions are interpreted. Some of that is what society teaches us about each other (and about who can do what). Not everyone could or would have reacted publicly, and not everyone could or would have reacted privately either. It doesn’t make the impact any less if we don’t hear about it.
By far the most important pieces to me, especially when I think about this in the context of EDI, is that we don’t know everything, and to remember the bigger picture and the context. If we do that, we have the opportunity to build relationships and understanding even in the midst of a difficult, painful, or inappropriate situation. And to remember our common humanity as we wade through the “yuck”.
Notice more.
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